It Was Actually About the Spotlight and the Wifi
by MelissaMachine5000
Summary: Frodo goes on a search for WiFi Featuring: the Battle for the One Spotlight, pyromaniac elves, nose connoisseurs, Gandalf being a BAMF as usual, and general insanity.
1. Chapter 1

**Here is the first chapter of my LotR parody! :) I really hope you enjoy, make sure to leave a review/follow/favorite and most importantly, laugh and enjoy! To all of my regular readers, I'm changing my update day to Sunday. Schoolwork is really overwhelming right now. Well, I won't keep you any longer!**

**Chapter 1**

_It began with the forging of the great spotlight. _

_Yeah, there were rings too but nobody gives a spider's ass about rings anymore._

_So anyway, Sauron made the most pimpin awesome spotlight that doubled as a disco ball and a pizza machine. Elves and men alike were jealous so they besieged Sauron in his fortress in Mordor. The battle was really epic but Sauron had hidden the spotlight in his underwear drawer so nobody ended up finding it._

_However, Isildur son of the King, broke his father's sword by being a failure and took the ring for his own. Sauron was defeated, at least for the next thousand or so years. Elrond tried to get Isildur to destroy the ring, but Isildur was afraid of the elf lord's eyebrows and ran away. Elrond was a pussy so he didn't even try to stop Isildur. Thus, a plotline was created._

_Long story short, Isildur died and Gollum found the ring and succumbed to the disorder known as "Wifi Syndrome". He hid in a cave and never came out because instead of Wifi he had his Precious. Bilbo ended up picking up the ring and eventually carried it back to the Shire. And that is where our story begins:_

888

"ur late ganny," Frodo said, closing his book and jumping into Gandalf's wagon.

"Sonofabitch boy you scared me!" Gandalf said, pretending to be scared. "Just kidding, nobody scares me! CAZ AHM GANDALF!" he jumped up and almost set all of his fireworks off.

"its gud to see u," Frodo hugged Gandalf.

When Frodo's back was turned, Gandalf made a disgusted face and then gave a fake smile when Frodo turned back.

"Haha, like I'd miss a chance to set off my PIMPIN MOFO BADASS FIREWORKS!" Gandalf started screaming again. More fireworks went off.

"yah. like everyone is coming."

Meanwhile Gandalf was trying to put out the fire in the back of the wagon.

Thus, life in the Shire goes on.

888

Gandalf arrived at Bag End and blew a horn that made a door bell sound.

"NO MORE DWARVES!" came a scream from inside. "I SWEAR TO MY AUNTY HILDIGRIM'S NICKEL BACKS IF IT'S ANOTHER DWARF I WILL THROW MYSELF OFF OF MOUNT DOOM."

"What about a total badass friend?" Gandalf asked, completely unfazed.

Bilbo opened the door. "Oh, if it was you, Gandalf, then why didn't you say so?"

"Wizards don't 'say'. We PAARTAY!" Gandalf threw some confetti and put on shutter shades.

"Well you certainly haven't changed. What would you like? Tea? Cream puffs? If you say shots I will literally rip my face off," Bilbo offered, his eye twitching slightly.

"I see you still haven't really recovered from that party all those years ago," Gandalf chuckled. "Don't worry, it's just me and my awesomeness!"

"Good, good."

"Dwarves, trolls, goblins, orcs, barrels, spiders, and just for the hell of it, dragons," Gandalf said.

Bilbo's eyes started to point in different directions.

888

"Yo Fatty! Nice to see ya!" greeted Bilbo welcomed one of his guests. The party had been going on for about an hour now and half of the hobbits were already smashed.

"But my name's Fredegar..." answered the 2k pound hobbit.

Meanwhile Frodo was trying to get Sam to dance with Rosie and Merry and Pippin were stealing fireworks.

"hey bilbs how do u liek the party," Frodo asked his uncle.

"Good so far! Hey if you see the Sackville-Bagginses..." Bilbo handed Frodo a grenade launcher. "Just in case."

"kk uncle. uh oh look out 4 da dragon," Frodo tried to get Bilbo to duck.

"DRAGON." Bilbo's nipples exploded.

888

Once they got Bilbo patched up, he stood in front of the party guests, ready to deliver a speech.

"Hey all, I just wanted to say a few things. First things first, the Sackville-Baggins can go eat a falafel made of their toenails, crap that out, shove it back up their ass, and crap it out a second time, then stick their-" All of the hobbit mothers put their hands on their children's ears. "-and if you manage to get it back out, take a cheese grater and-" The hands went back on. "-so once you regain consciousness you can repeat the process, except with scalding water this time."

Proudfoots and Brandybucks alike stared in horror.

"In conclusion, you all suck. Bilbo out." Bilbo put on the ring and disappeared.

888

"Bilbo, why would you do that?" Gandalf asked Bilbo back in Bag End.

"Come on, Gandalf. Did you see their faces?" Bilbo asked, shoving Pakistan into his napsack.

"Of course I saw their faces. I have eyes." Gandalf got all up in Bilbo's grill. "Do you see these? Do you see these? _Do you see these? _**_DO YOU SEE-_**"

"Alright, alright!" Bilbo cried, backing away. "I understand your point. I should be more responsible with a ring of power."

Gandalf nodded wisely. He hadn't been thinking about that at all, but yolo.

"You'll keep an eye on Frodo, right?"

"Two eyes." Gandalf said. "Do you see-"

"Yes! I see them!"

"Are you leaving the ring with Frodo?"

"Yes. No. Maybe." Bilbo pulled the ring out of his pocket. "_Precious._"

"Uh, you're being kind of creepy, Bilbo." Gandalf said. "It's dampening my vibe."

"Bah! Vibes..." Bilbo caressed the ring. "What do I care for swag when I have my precious."

"YO! BILBS! STAHP KILLING MY VIBE!" Gandalf yelled, waving his arms. Bilbo dropped the ring and with a flash of light and harmonicas, Gandalf's awesomeness was returned to its former glory.

"Sorry, Gandalf," Bilbo apologized. "I guess I better get going."

"YOU BETTA BE SORRY!" Gandalf almost knocked over the chandelier. "Have fun in Rivendell, my friend. Tell Elrond he needs to fix his eyebrows.

"Will do. Byeeee!"

888

"hey did bilbo leave," Frodo asked, walking into Bag End an hour later.

Gandalf was sitting by the fire, meditating on how badass he was. "Yes, he had gone. He left you all of his possessions and something called a 'wifi password' and a 'laptop'."

Frodo's eyes got really big and he dashed into his bedroom.

"Oh, and remember to keep the ring secret. And safe. And fabulous. Byeeee!" Gandalf skipped out of Bag End.

**Ta-da! If you liked this, make sure to check out my Hobbit parody! I hope you laughed! See you next week! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Benedict Cumberbatch! (that's all I have to say for now C:)**

**Chapter 2**

Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin were partying at the Green Dragon, the best tavern within a five foot radius.

Sam was sitting with the grown up hobbits because he wanted to look cool.

"There've been some strange folk crossing through the Shire. Dwarves, and others of a less than savory nature," Gaffer commented.

"Ohoho wee wee!" Noakes replied in a terrible French accent. He was immediately shunned by everyone in the area.

"Children's stories, that's all it is. You're beginning to sound like that old Bilbo Baggins! Cracked he was!" Sandyman cackled.

"Actually, that Took guy over there is cracked. Literally. Or it might be pot. You can never tell with that one," Gaffer shook his head at Pippin, who was currently trying to drink some ale with a lampshade on his head. The mug kept bumping into the rim of the lampshade, leaving a very high Pippin very confused.

Frodo walked up to Sam's table, bumping into several people because his eyes were trained on the laptop in his arms.

"Young Mr Frodo here, he's cracking!" Gaffer chuckled as Frodo tried to sit down and ended up doing a flip under the table.

"lol haha," Frodo replied. "#crackingandproud #cheersgaffer"

Sam shook his head sadly. "He gets worse every day..."

Later that night, Frodo and Sam walked past Rosie, exiting the bar.

"Good night lads!" Rosie grinned at Sam.

"Good night, sweet maiden of the golden ale!" a random hobbit exclaimed, striking a pose on one knee.

"dont worry sam. rosie knos a dum but wen she sees 1," Frodo patted his friend on the shoulder.

Sam smiled uncertainly. "Does she?"

"yah thts why she looks at u all da time! TROLOLOL!" Frodo danced away into the night.

Frodo trotted into Bag End and looked around. The window was open and papers were fluttering in the wind. Suddenly, Gandalf grabbed his shoulder.

"PERIOD BLOOD MICROWAVE!" Frodo screamed, hitting Gandalf in the face with his laptop. Well, it actually somehow spun around and hit Frodo in the face. CAZ NOBODY HITS GANDALF.

"Is it secret? Is it safe? Is it fabulous? Gandalf questioned.

"uhm well actually," Frodo began, looking down at his pants.

"THE RING, BOY! WHERE IS THE RING?"

"liek a ringtone? watchu talkin bout ganners?" Frodo was confused.

"Hoihsobhoibh!" Gandalf let out a cry of frustration and threw his arms up, hitting the chandelier. The Ring, which had somehow ended up on the chandelier, flew through the air and landed in the fireplace.

"I meant for that to happen," Gandalf lied as they watched the envelope burn. The wizened wizard wizarded over to the fireplace and picked up the ring, suffering no burns because #socks. "Hold out your hand, Frodo. It's quite cool, like me except for less awesomeness. What can you see?"

Frodo held the Ring up to his ear. "i dont hear anything is this a prank," he questioned the wizardy wizard. "o wait der r markings."

Gandalf examined the Ring. "The language is that of Mordor."

"i think bag end has enough doors as is," Frodo protested.

"It says in the common tongue, One Ring to Rule Them All, One Ring to blah blah blah I think you get the point."

"This is the One Ring. It was forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom."

"y do i care," Frodo was back to scrolling through Tumblr.

"Because the black ghost rider sleepy hollow things will come for you and take away your laptop!" Gandalf exclaimed.

"NOT MY WIFI!" screamed Frodo. "wat do i do gandalf? help meeeee!"

"You must leave the Shire! Go to Rivendell or something, they have good parties there. But watch out for the eyeballs and eyebrows!"

"wat."

"Go to the Inn of the Prancing Pony!"

"omgamgeee i got 3k followers!"

"...Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?"

"ew that jenna girl unfollowed me. report and block," Frodo clicked twice triumphantly.

Gandalf pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know what I need? Starbucks. With Saruman, he's swaggy."

"YO I AIN'T BE DROPPIN NO EAVES!" Sam fell from the ceiling.

Gandalf screamed like a girl and poked Sam's eyes with his staff. "BIATCH MATHAOGNAOBIAJGBEAOBN!"

"Now what's all this talk about a ring and a dark lord and the end of the world!" Sam stood up and whistled whilst he worked it.

"sam stahp trying 2 b swaggy," Frodo didn't even bother looking up from his laptop.

Gandalf recovered. "Obviously he's trying to emulate my steadfast majesty!" A dramatic wind blew through the house, accompanied by low opera voices. "Sam, why don't you go with Frodo? Maybe the flakl will end up gligl bagl."

"Wait, what?"

Somehow they ended up in the woods outside of the Shire. Frodo shook his laptop violently

"where da wifi? were did it gooo?!1!?"

Gandalf decided to take advantage of the situation. "The wifi is in the fires of Mount Doom! Quickly, you must go Frodo! And bring the Ring! WIZARRRRRD... OUT!" Gandalf vanished in an explosion of pure awesome.

Frodo and Sam trekked through fields and forests until they reached a cornfield.

"This is it," said Michael Jackson I mean Sam.

"wat are u talking about now sam?" Frodo sobbed, distressed by his lack of WiFi.

"If I take one more step it'll be the farthest from the Shire I've ever been."

"well keep moving u lazy asshole the ring isnt going to destroy itself," Frodo scowled and kept walking.

That night, Sam made bacon. Frodo was drawing figures in the dirt, trying to calculate how many Twitter followers he had as of now.

They suddenly heard a muffled _UNTZ UNTZ UNTZ _ in the distance. The two hobbits crept over to a fallen log and saw in the distance a group of glowing white elves. They had the whole shaboodle going on, from shutter shades to glow sticks to party moose, since elks were patented by the Mirkwood elves.

"party elves!" Frodo exclaimed.

"They're leaving Middle Earth... never to return," Sam said sadly.

"stap alliterating," Frodo snapped.

The hobbits laid back down.

"Everywhere I lie there's a dirty great root sticking into my back," Sam complained.

"sam i honstly could not careless can u please stfu."

"Sorry Mister Frodo."

**Next chapter we get to see some more Saruman/Gandalf interaction! For those of you who have read my Hobbit parody you can guess what that's going to look like :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**In this chapter I'm introducing Saruman, Pip, Merry, and a certain ancient dwarf-forest-weirdo type thing. You'll see! ;D**

**Chapter 3**

"Smoke rises from the Mountain of Doom. The hour grows late and Gandalf the Gray rides to Isengard to seek my Council. For that is why you have come, is it not? My old homeboy," Saruman greeted Gandalf with their usual fistbump.

"Council? Hell nah brah! I came here to PARTAY! Like you said, the hour is late and the time is ripe to put our drinks up!"

"Are you sure? The Ring of Power has been found?"

"THIS IS THE MOMENT, TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT..."

"Bah! Partying... so last millennia. I have found a new interest in..." Saruman dramatically faced the camera and whispered, "...evil."

"What was that? Who are you talking to?" Gandalf took off his shutter shades in curiosity. "I can't see a thing with these damn glasses!"

"Uh, nothing. Why don't you come inside?" The two wizards walked into Orthanc.

Gandalf shook his head sadly. "I still fail to understand how you managed to match your staff to your tower but not your beard and your hair."

"There has been no _time _for beard straightening! Sauron has gathered all evil to Mordor! Soon he will have summoned an army great enough to assault the entirety of Middle Earth!"

"How do you know this? And also, you could just _not _straighten your hair. Didja ever think of that?" Gandalf sassed.

" I have seen it with my own eyes!" Saruman lifted a cloudy glass globe from a pedestal in his throne room.

"A Palantir? Really? Saruman, I thought you had better taste..." Gandalf glared at the scrying globe in disgust.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SASS!" Saruman totally. Flipped. Out. "SAURON WILL TOTALLY DESTROY MIDDLE EARTH AND WE SHOULD JOIN HIM. IT'LL BE WISE. LIKE WISE POTATO CHIPS. EHEHEHEHEHHEhurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" The white wizard attacked Gandalf with magic.

"Ow sonofabitch my back!" The old gray wizard spent fifteen minutes getting to his feet before retaliating, lifting Saruman and slamming him into the wall with magic. "You gon' die, sucka!"

Saruman sssssssssssllllllllloooooooowwwwwwwwwwlllllllyyyyy y got to his feet and cracked at least 23857340592 joints. Then the white wizard let out a girly shriek and smashed Gandalf into the wall with his levitation powers.

This pattern went on for about a fortnight before Saruman raised his hand and summoned Gandalf's staff, leaving his adversary weaponless. "Huh, why didn't I think of that before?"

"Becaz you stupid!" Gandalf groaned, lying on the floor. "I came here to partay, but appears that even your ceiling cannot hold me!"

"Really?" Saruman cackled, raising both staffs. "We'll see about that!"

"WEEEEEEEEEEE!" Gandalf was levitated and spun into the darkness of the upper regions of Isengard.

Sam strolled through a field of corn. Suddenly, he realized Frodo was nowhere to be found. _What _a tragedy!

"Frodo! Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Hey! Hey! Frodo! Mr. Frodo! Hey! Listen!" Sam cried, running through the field.

"omg what do you want?" Frodo emerged from the tall stalks of corn.

"I just have to tell you..."

"just spit it out old chap."

"If I take one more step, it'll be the farthest from the Shire I've ever been."

Before Frodo could explode or anything, two hobbits appeared and pushed Sam and Frodo to the ground.

"Heyyyyy, it's Frodo!" said Pippin, falling on his face.

"Wait, who's Frodo? Where am I? Who are you?" Merry asked, looking around with an utterly confused look on his utterly confused face.

The four hobbits heard barking and saw a scythe held high above the corn rustling towards them. "HOI! YOU GET BACK HERE! WAIT TILL I GET THIS THROUGH YOU! Oh we'll have a good time, yes yes we will," Farmer Maggot cried. "IF I CATCH UP WITH YOU things are gonna get funky, yes they are mrhmhrmrmhmrmhrm..."

All four hobbits screamed and ran away.

"You've been stealing from Farmer Maggot's crops!" Sam accused Pippin.

"Heyyyy man, chill! It's was only a couple of carrots. Haha carrots," came the suave reply.

"i beleev i can fly!" Frodo ran towards a cliff and did a High School Musical jump into the air.

"Wait are we birds?" Merry copied Frodo.

"Haha, you so dumb!" Pippin taunted, stopping at the edge of the cliff before Sam's fat ass rammed into him and they both tumbled down the cliffside, landing on the other two hobbits.

"What day is it?" Merry groaned.

"Mushrooms!" Pippin cried with joy. Before anyone could stop him, he began eating/smoking/snorting/having tea with the mushrooms.

"we shud get off the road, studies show dat wifi signal is bad on roads," Frodo supplied.

"Whaaaaatchu staring at?" Pippin tried to stand up but failed. "Mushroom guys are fungis! Get it? Fun guys? HAAHhHAhHahhHhahaaahaaah..." The poor hobbit passed out.

"giyss get off da road!" Frodo screamed. Sam dragged Pippin off the road as Frodo followed. They hid under a tree.

"W-Where are you guys going? Can I come? Hey, who is that?" Merry pointed to something down the road. He was promptly trampled by a ringwraith.

"Yo ho ho I'm Tomby Bomby! Otherwise known as Tom Bombadil!"

Sam gave "Tomby" a contemptuous once-over. "Aren't you from The Wiggles or something?"

"no i think hes from jena marblez," Frodo replied as the strange man danced around. He was wearing the most awful blue tunic that totally clashed with his boots.

"Hey dol, merry dol!"

"can u not," Frodo protested as Tom danced closer and closer, his eyes becoming more and more crazed.

_"Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow! Bright Blue his jacket is, and his boots are yellow!_"

"ew where did you get your style? lady gaga?" Frodo began pushing Sam and Merry in the opposite direction, encouraging them to run.

"**_LOVE MEEEEEE!_**" Tom screamed, chasing after the hobbits.

The ringwraith from before came riding back up the path. "Hey, I think I got the wrong hobbit!" It hissed evilly, running over Tom Bombadil this time.

Thus, Tomby Bomby became Squashy Methane Popcorn.

**BOom! I did AnnOTHer HCpater! YYYay!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much for all the nice reviews! I love you guys! C:**

**Chapter 4**

Night had fallen. Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam skulked dramatically through the woods. Sam attempted a forward roll and was not able to stop. His speed began increasing exponentially.

"I am still very confused as to what is going on! Why are we running from these black rider guys?" Merry bombarded Frodo with questions.

"We're, like, going to the Buckleberry Ferry, Merry. Heyyyy that rhymed! Haha I rhyme all the time! Woah dude that rhymed too! Hahahaha!" Pippin began walking backwards and almost bumped into Sam, who was rolling with enough speed to overtake a Rosgobel Rabbit.

"Um, guys, help-"

A ringwraith suddenly galloped in front of them, blocking their path.

"omg ru serial can u seriously gtfo!" Frodo shouted at the ringwraith.

Sam barreled past, his speed reaching jet-plane levels. "GUYS HELP."

Fortunately, the fat hobbit crushed the ringwraith and cleared a straight path towards the ferry. Unfortunately, there was a loose board on the dock. Sam hit the board at full speed, which changed his angle of trajectory and sent him careening into the air. He spread his arms and legs and let out a loud, "NEEEEOOOOOOOWWWW!" Actually, forget the unfortunately. That was pretty damn awesome.

The remaining hobbits leaped onto the ferry and pushed off from shore.

"how much longerrrrrr," Frodo complained.

"About thirteen gallons," Merry replied. "Plus tax."

TWANSITIONNNNNNN

"its raining omg my hair is gonna frizz," Frodo stomped through the mud as rain poured down like water from a condensed mass of H2O in gas form.

"What do you want?" the gatekeeper snapped when Frodo knocked on the door leading to Bree.

"wow how is it ur business u stupid bitch," Frodo narrowed his eyes.

"Hobbits! Four hobbits! What's more out of the Shire by your talk! What business brings us to Bree?"

"omfg gtfo ru serial?" Frodo snapped.

The gatekeeper looked at Frodo, then at Sam, then at Merry, then at the door, then the rain, then Frodo, then Peter Jackson, then the hobbits as they passed him and entered Bree, then at his pearly teeth.

"Well, it's been a good day." He exploded.

"DAMN YOU MICHAEL BAY..." echoed throughout the town.

The hobbits entered the Prancing Pony.

"Remember to say 'excuse me' when you talk to people, Frodo," Sam reminded his friend.

"xcuse you mr dursely," Frodo sauntered up to Barliman Butterbur, who was standing behind the counter.

Sam facepalmed.  
"Good evening, little masters! What can I do for you?" the innkeeper's voice was smoooooooooth as butter. "If you're looking for accomoddaattiioonn, weeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." The poor man melted into a puddle of butter.

"uhm."

TWANSITION IN WHICH THE HOBBITS ARE SITTING AT A TABLE AND DRINKING

"Yay, alcohol!" Merry skipped to their table, carrying a huge mug of ale. "I may have no idea what I'm doing here, but yay alcohol."

Pippin eyed the mug. "Wuzzat?"

"Glad to see you're not passed out for once. This, my friend, is a pint."

"Oh mah gamgee it comes in pints?" Pippin gasped. "I'm getting one!"

"Did you just use my last name in an exclamation?" Sam asked.

"ew wat dat smell?" Frodo wrinkled his nose.

"Probably that man by the corner. He's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived!" Sam gestured to a hooded figure that was smoking in the corner of the room. Whenever he shifted, a layer of dirt cascaded to the ground. "He probably envies your cleanliness."

"hun i think he envies everyon's cleanyniss. jim moriartys criminal record is cleaner dan him. YO BUTTS! who da man in da corner?"

A puddle of butter slithered over to the hobbits' table. "Heeeee be one of them rangers. They're dangerous folk. Wandering the one's known as Strider."

"y dont he stride over 2 a bath. sweet jesus."

Pippin's voice rang through the crowd, catching Frodo's attention. "Yeah, man! Baggins is right over there! His name is like Frodo or something, and I'm totally related to him."

"omg u dum took wut ru doin?!1!" Frodo pushed through the crowd, trying to get Pippin to shut up, but he tripped and the ring conveniently fell onto his finger. The hobbit vanished.

"WOAAAH DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT HOBBIT DISAPPEAR?!1?! WHOOOOOOO!" One of the onlookers began foaming at the mouth and passed out.

Frodo slowly opened his eyes. Everything was shadowy and blurry.

"am i in a blender?"

_Boom boom boom badoom boom boom boom wubby wubby wubby..._ Muffled, pounding music was heard as the Great Spotlight of Sauron slowly rose into view. Glitter and beams of light from disco balls cascaded through the air. Hot women danced with perfect choreography. Several orcs raised cups of beer, partying and having the time of their lives.

"**You cannot hide! I see you! There is no life in the void, only death!**" a massive booming voice came from the spotlight. Frodo stared in horror, ripping the ring off his finger. The scenery warped back into an inn, as though the party scene had never happened.

"welp looks like its nope-o-clock. tiem to get outa here." Frodo tried to stand up and make for the door, but a grimy hand grabbed him.

"You draw far too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill." Even Strider's voice sounded dirty.

Frodo coughed and hacked, trying to expel Strider's dust from his lungs. "get away you gross maggot."

Strider ignored Frodo. Instead he brought him upstairs and into a private room.

"ok u need to chill ferserious,"Frodo snapped. "wat do u want?"

"A little more caution from you!" Strider snapped. About 5 inches of dirt had already formed around his feet. "That is no trinket you carry!"

"well duh i mean this is an elvish laptop. its ok bby he didnt mean it." Frodo stroked his laptop.

"Indeed." Strider paced around the room, the dirt from his hair putting out every candle he walked past. "I can avoid being seen if I wish."

"liek if you lie down in the mud?"

"But to disappear entirely is a rare gift!"

"THE DIRT IS OFF THE CHARTS!" Frodo wiped his face. "imma need a shower after dis."

Suddenly, Sam, Merry, and Pippin charged into the room.

"Let him go or face the wrath of my mighty bites!" Sam held out a box of Kashi cereal.

"Weren't those discontinued?"

"You have a stout heart little hobbit! And probably a lot of vitamins and minerals! But your cereal will not save you now. They're coming. They be climbin in yo windows! Hide yo weed, hide yo ring! They be stabbin yo pillows!"

The four hobbits clapped at his mediocre rap solo.

Well, actually three since Pippin had passed out again.

**I wasn't as attracted to Aragorn as most people in the movies because I seriously thought he was too dirty. :P Did I do a good job with Strider's character? Leave a comment telling me about your suggestions/thoughts/how much you laughed.**


	5. Chapter 5

**So tired... enjoy.**

**Also, I don't own anything.**

**Chapter 5**

Darth Vader's theme played in the background as the four ringwraiths marched into the Prancing Pony. Barliman Butterbur (or at least what was left of him after the melting incedent) cowered behind his counter, making squishy noises of terror.

The hobbits slept peacefully in their beds.

The ringwraiths walked into the hobbit-sized room and held their swords in the air.

"Hey boss, can we stop breathing like this? It's getting really annoying," one of the ringwraiths asked.

"Sure, fine."

They all took off their Darth Vader mask things and let out a sigh of relief.

Then they stabbed the beds. Feathers flew though the air. One of the smarter ringwraiths wondered why blood wasn't spurting out of the covers and lifted up the blankets, revealing a bunch of torn pillows.

"haha u dum fatties!" Frodo taunted, watching the scene from a window across the street. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were sitting up in bed, watching as well. All four of them were a safe distance from Strider, who was shedding dirt by the pound.

"What are those things?" Merry asked.

"They were once men. Great Kings of Men. Then Sauron gave them rings of power. They were blinded by greed and fell into darkness. Now they are slaves to his will."

"thats gay," Frodo commented.

"They are Nazgûl. Ringwraiths. Neither living nor dead, they feel the presence of the Ring at all times."

"kind of like i always feel da presence of your bacterial."

"They are drawn to the power of the One." Strider turned dramatically, staring into Frodo's eyes. "They will never stop hunting you."

"still gay."

888

Morning came, and the hobbits followed Strider through the wilderness.

"where r we goin? is there wifi around?" Frodo asked.

"I am taking you into the wild. And what is WiFi?"

"Don't ask that question Mister Longshanks!" Sam cried. "WiFi is a very dangerous topic around Mr. Frodo!"

"Ok why do you keep calling me Longshanks?!" Strider questioned. "The hell is a shank anyway? Isn't that a ghetto term?"

Merry whispered to Frodo, "I'm still really, really confused. And how do we know that we can trust this guy?"

"idk i mean he did save us from the nagle peple," Frodo replied. "and mebe he leads us to wifi?"

"But seriously, where are we going?" Merry asked Strider.

"To Rivendell, the House of Elrond."

Sam gasped dramatically. "Rivendell?! We're going to see the elves! Yipee!" The fat hobbit jumped up and hit his head on a low tree limb. A bird's nest fell from the tree and hit the ground, cracking all of the eggs inside it. A huge raven swooped down and pushed its beak inches from Sam's face.

"You have killed my family. I will make your life hell," it cawed before flying off into the horizon.

Sam shrugged.

At about noontime, the hobbits decided to stop and set up camp.

"I'm fixin for some biscuits," Sam drawled.

"Excuse you! We do not stop until nightfall!" Strider scolded. "Get off your lazy asses and follow me!"

"Hey, but I like, ordered a pizza. Can't miss my breakfast. It's like... an important meal. It's the most important meal."

Strider stared. "You already had breakfast."

"who dafuq eats pizza 4 breakfast?"

"No like, I was talking about... second breakfast."

"Pfff," Strider turned around, his hair fanning out and nearly causing a landslide. The poor hobbits coughed and suffered though the onslaught of dirt.

888

The group of five had reached the marshes.

"why is my life so hard," Frodo complained, swatting yet another mosquito. They'd swarmed in nearly solid clouds around the hobbits, biting their skin incessantly. Strider laughed because his nice dirty coating protected him from the bugs.

Finally, night fell and they escaped the wrath of mosquitos (or at least the ones that hadn't managed to get under their clothes. Take that how you will).

Pippin, Merry, and Sam passed out almost instantly because Pippin was stoned, Merry was exhausted, and Sam was fat. Frodo pretended to sleep but was really trying to create his own Wifi router out of a meter stick, a bulldozer, and a random Canadian.

Strider sang in Elvish.

"wut u singin about?" Frodo asked.

"The Lady of Lúthien. The Elf Maiden who gave her love to Beren... a mortal."

"dat means absolutly nothing to me. srry i dont watch game of thrones."

Strider shook his head, causing a clump of dirt to fall to the ground. "Get some sleep, Frodo."

"dont u dare tell me what to do u frikin bitch i will cut u!"

888

Meanwhile, Saruman was contemplating his long fingernails and dirty teeth. "God damn I need a mani pedi or something..." the wizard murmured.

"HA! GAYYYYY!" was heard from the top of Orthanc.

Saruman sighed and walked over to the Palantir, placing a hand over it.

"Yo Sauron, I'm here, Whadaya need? Pizza? Mints? Circles?"

"Build me an army worthy of Mordor," Sauron commanded.

Saruman closed the pizza box, disappointed.

At the top of Orthanc, Gandalf watched as orcs chopped down the surrounding trees.

An orc approached Saruman as the wizard strolled around his tower, watching the progress.

"The trees are strong, my Lord. Their roots go deep," the orc said in a grumbly voice.

"Rip them all down," Saruman commanded.

"No I mean, they go really, really deep."

It started to rain. For once, Gandalf felt powerless, and completely un-awesome. Then he noticed the rain wasn't even hitting him because HE WAS IS AND WILL ALWAYS BE GANDALF. YEAAAAAA!

The gray wizard dramatically donned his shutter shades and began to plan his escape.

888

Meanwhile, the hobbits and the ranger had arrived at the ruins of a temple, which rested on a steep hill.

"This was the great watch tower of Amon Sûl. We shall rest here tonight," Strider announced.

"i dont give a flying crap," Frodo replied.

They set up camp in the tower. Strider handed the hobbits some swords. "These are for you. Keep them close. I'm going to have a look around. Stay here."

"bossy lil biotch." Frodo fell asleep.

About 5.238572 hours later, Frodo woke up to the sound of Merry, Pippin, and Sam's voices.

"My tomato's burst!" Merry complained.

"Haha dude, that's what she said," Pippin laughed. "Can I like, have some pizza?"

"Sorry, we only have bacon, sausage, and some tomatoes," his friend replied.

"BACOOOOON!" Sam roared, lunging toward the fire and snatching up the bacon. Just as he was about to take a bite, however, a huge pile of bird crap landed right into his hands. Far above them, the sound of a raven's laughter was heard. The fat hobbit narrowed his eyes.

"This... this is **_war_**."

Frodo leaped up. "WTF RU GIYS DOIN? DAT WAS MY WIFI ROUTER! UR BURNING MY WIFI ROUTER!" He started stamping out the fire. Everyone else suddenly became aware that the air smelt of burnt Canadian.

"Dude that like... got ash on my tomatoes," Pippin was indignant, or at least as indignant as a half-baked hobbit could be.

At the bottom of the hill, the screeches of Nazgûl could be heard.

"o craep."

The four hobbits dashed to the top of the tower and stood back to back, their swords drawn. The Nazgûl slowly advanced towards them, their swords drawn as well.

"Hoiiiiiiii!" Sam charged at one of the ringwraiths, but a certain raven swooped down and poked him in the eye. Sam passed out.

"Hey, let's like, start a club!" Pippin suggested, passing out as well.

"Well, I guess it's just you and me, Frodo," Merry said. "...Frodo?"

Said hobbit was making an escape through the bushes. Unfortunately, he remembered his laptop and scrambled back to get it. The Witch King nonchalantly stabbed him in the shoulder.

Strider charged onto the scene, wielding a torch and a sword and singing the Legend of Zelda theme.

After bravely setting all of the Nazgûl on fire, he struck a pose. "And he ain't gon' stop till the world is free of evil!" The ranger sang.

"u such a nerd," Frodo groaned, passing out.

**Ha, I like my characters. Leave your thoughts in a comment!**


	6. Chapter 6

**:/ mehh. enjoy the story:**

**Chapter 6**

The grounds around Isengard had become full of holes because the roots of the trees had gone fifty meters into the ground. They were really, really, deep roots.

Meanwhile, Gandalf was still on top of Orthanc. He watched a moth flutter by and caught it gently.

"Gwaihir, go!" he shouted in an Ash Ketchum voice, throwing the moth.

"My name isn't even Gwaihir..." the moth cried as it fell over the edge.

Gandalf shrugged, wishing for his GameBoy.

888

When Frodo opened his eyes, he saw a couple of huge stone trolls. One of them had a huge bite mark that looked suspiciously dwarven.

"Look, Frodo! It's Mr. Bilbo's trolls!" Sam leaned over Frodo.

"oh mi good god sam do u really think i give a crap like seriously i am in pain right now," Frodo groaned.

Sam felt his friend's forehead.

"He's going cold!"

"idiot strikes again..."

"Is he like, gonna die?" Pippin asks. "Because if he does, I want all his drugs."

"He is passing into the Twilight world. He'll soon become a spirit like the rest of them. We must find the Mirror of Twilight to save Hyrule!"

Merry gasped and clutched his head. "Can you guys stop giving me new information?! I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed right now!"

"Hey Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?" Strider asked the resident gardener.

"...Is this another Zelda reference?"

"No, it might help save Frodo's life."

Sam immediately took off, his legs somehow spinning 360 degrees as he ran. "Gotta go fast!"

Strider left as well to find the plant. As he bent down to pick up a handful, a sword snaked its way to his throat.

"What's this? A Ranger caught off his guard?"

"Arwen, can you stop doing that?"

"DON'T BOSS ME AROUND YOU SON OF A BITCH!" the she-elf screamed.

A few minutes later, Frodo opened his eyes to see a white horse and a beautiful elf maiden approaching him. Arwen knelt beside the injured hobbit.

"I am Arwen. I have come to help you. Hear my voice. Come back to the light."

Frodo gasped in pain.

"RESPOND TO ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU, INSOLENT PEASANT!" Arwen bitch slapped him several times.

Sam and Merry slowly backed away. Pippin was nowhere to be seen.

"Who is that?" Merry asked. "Yet another character introduction has left my head spinning!" He clutched his head.

Sam gasped dramatically. "She's an elf!"

Arwen gave him a glare that could have vaporized liquid nitrogen. "No duh, fatty."

More bird crap landed on Sam's head.

The bitchy elf turned back to Frodo. "He's fading."

Strider picked up Frodo and carried him to Arwen's horse. "Stay here with the hobbits. I'll send horses back for you."

Arwen snatched the reins from her boyfriend. "Actually, I'm going! I'm the faster rider!"

"The road is too dangerous!" Strider protested. "Actually, you can go. As you wish." The Ranger changed his mind at the elf's death glare.

She gave him a prompting look.

Strider grimaced. "Buttercup..."

Arwen mounted Asfaloth and galloped away.

She rode through out of the woods and through an open plain. Five Nazgûl rode behind her, quickly overtaking her.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!" Arwen reached into her dress and whipped out a tube of mascara, stabbing one of the ringwraiths in the neck. He screamed and fell off his horse. The others backed off a little, except for a dumb/persistent one who drew his sword and tried to swing at Arwen. She ducked and cursed in Elvish, reaching into her cloak once more and drawing out a hairbrush.

The Nazgûl screamed. All of the others wondered how their companion had gotten himself pinned to a tree by his eyeballs. They increased their distance from the elf by twenty meters.

Finally, Arwen rode across the river and turned around to face her enemies. The wraith's horses tentatively began to cross the river. They were about halfway across when a huge crap-infested wave of toilet water roared around the river's bend and engulfed the poor spirits.

"TACO BELL, BITCHES!" Arwen screamed, waving her sword.

Frodo fell off the horse.

"No, Frodo! Don't give in, not now!" Arwen hovered over the injured hobbit. "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? I SAID, DON'T GIVE IN!" She bitch-slapped him some more.

**Did you find the 2 fandom crossover reference thingies I mentioned? XD one of them was pretty obvious. Also, what did you think of Arwen's character? Let me know in the comments!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry, this is kind of a filler chapter. I hope you enjoy anyways!**

**Chapter 7**

Frodo woke up in the middle of a dream, white light obscuring his vision. "god dam loading screens," he grumbled.

"Yo Frodes!" echoed a familiar voice. "We be in the House of Elrond, where the best parties happen! Yeayuh!"

Frodo frowned, confused. "wen did dey invent loading screens that talk? did dat come with ios 7?" Then he opened his eyes. "hey its gan gan the can can man!"

Gandalf smoked his pipe and sighed, his eyes pointing in different directions for a few seconds. "Yeah, Gandalf is in the house!" The wizard jumped up and almost fell on his face. Except he didn't. CAZ HE'S GANDALF. "Good thing you survived! You still owe me my Visa card!"

Frodo's eye twitched and he quickly changed the subject. "wut happened tho? u wer supose to meet us at da gambling mustang or somthing."

"Oh, right. Sorry, I'm just so busy with other pimpin awesome parties. Sometimes I forget to meet hobbits and the like." Gandalf looked around shiftily.

CUE PIMPIN AWESOME PLOT EXPOSITION FLASHBACK

Saruman pointed his staff at Gandalf as they stood on the top of Orthanc. "The friendship of Sauron is not lightly thrown aside."

"Oh really?" Gandalf wrote "Friendship of Sauron" on a piece of paper, tore it up, and slowly released it into the wind. "OHHHHH!" He spread his arms wide and bopped his head. "U mad bro?"

Saruman used magic to throw Gandalf across the rooftop until he was hanging by his feet off of the roof, his body parallel to the ground. "One ill turn deserves another. It is over."

"Turns? What is this, Monopoly? You would play a gay board game like that," Gandalf sassed.

Saruman had to leave for a few minutes to put that burn under cold water.

When he returned, he brandished his staff menacingly. "Embrace the power of the Ring, or embrace death." He looked around. "Gandalf?"

The gray wizard could be seen riding an eagle into the distance. "LATER, SUCKA!"

Saruman narrowed his eyes. "That was definitely a death answer."

END OF PIMPIN AWESOME FLASHBACK

"gandalf? HEY IM TALKING 2U!" Frodo shouted, trying to get Gandalf's attention.

"Huh? Oh. Nothing. I said nothing."

"u wer shouting about monopoly."

Sam skipped into the room and grabbed Frodo's hand. "Frodo!"

"hey i think dis is a whale free zone," Frodo z-snapped.

"Bless you, you're awake and sassing again!" Sam praised.

Gandalf smiled. "Sam has hardly left your side."

Sam blinked and shuffled his feet. "Uh, that's not true, I, uh, visited you once or twice-"

"Per minute," Gandalf interjected.

"NOT GAY!" Sam screamed and ran out of the room.

"You can thank Lord Elrond for healing you, and for the awesome parties you're bound to have during your stay. I'M GANDALF!" The wizard partied out of the room as Lord Elrond entered.

"Welcome to Rivendell, Frodo Baggins."

"OMFG UR EYEBROWS I CANT WHAT THE ACTUAL CRAP."

After Frodo was consoled and Elrond was reminded YET AGAIN to use some friggin' tweezers, Frodo decided to explore Rivendell. He saw a rather old hobbit sitting on a bench, writing a book. He ran over to him.

"hey ur liek my uncle right?"

Bilbo stood up and hugged Frodo. "Hello, Frodo! It's been a while!"

Frodo read the title of Bilbo's book. "there and back again... a hobbits tale." He flipped through the pages, admiring the drawings. "where da yaoi?"

"I don't have any, but maybe there will be some in _your _tale." Bilbo raised his eyebrows suggestively. "But seriously, my therapist recommended that I write about my feelings, so I've been chronicling the Quest of Erebor."

Frodo turned to a map of the Shire and sighed. "i miss the shire. there was wifi there..."

Later in the day, Sam was in his room packing his bag. Frodo walked in.

"wow u packed already?"

"No harm in being prepared."

"i dont actually care."

"Well, regardless of that, I just want to go back to the Shire. We've gone as far as Rivendell; we should go home now. Where there is... WiFi."

"OMG YES THANK YOU SAM. DAT IS THE MOST INTEL THING U SAID EVA!"

TWANSITION THAT INVOLVES SPYING ON PPL

Elrond and Gandalf were hanging out, watching Sam and Frodo in the surveillance room in a non creepy way.

"His strength returns." Elrond turned towards Gandalf.

Gandalf cringed and handed Elrond a paper bag. Reluctantly, the Elf Lord pulled the bag over his head. "You could have at least put eye holes in this thing."

"NO. Your eyebrows are infringing on your eye territory. I am not having any of that bullcrap."

"Fine. But Frodo has impressed me. To come so far, still bearing the Ring…the hobbit has shown extraordinary resilience to its evil."

"Don't worry, I'm sure a couple of dozen parties should fix the lad! You're still having parties, right?" Gandalf asked Elrond when the elf did not respond right away.

Elrond shuffled uncomfortably. "Actually, after the eyebrow incident…" Everybody shuddered and cringed. Screaming and the sound of burning cats was heard in the distance. "I stopped having the parties."

Gandalf stared at Elrond. "Um, no. Goodbye sir. We. Are. Done." Gandalf marched out of the room with sass unmatched by all of the Plastics combined.

888

Aragorn was sitting outside on a bench, calmly reading a book about home cleaning that Arwen had given him. Upon hearing footsteps, he looked up, adding another few inches of dirt to the layer on the bench.

Boromir was walking around, studying the paintings on the walls and commenting on their noses.

"Hm… a rather wide arch. And Sauron doesn't even have a nose! Poor guy…" He turned around and ran towards Aragorn. "Oh! I haven't seen your face before! And I kinda doubt that I truly will until you take a bath, but your nose is still visible!"

"Eh?"

"Looks a bit like an arrow, very rectangular nostrils… I'd say a seven out of ten."

"Um… what?"

"Oh, here comes that psychotic elf lady. Nine out of ten for that one. Seeya!" Boromir skipped away.

Arwen glided up to her boyfriend. "Why do you fear the bathtub? You are Isildur's heir, not Isildur himself."

Aragorn looked over at the painting of Isildur. "I look nothing like his hair. I think he has a nice mustache, though."

"HEIR! H-E-A- no, H-I-Y- that's not right either. God dammit!" Arwen carefully put on rubber gloves before slapping Aragorn. She burned the glove and stomped away.

888

Arwen and Aragorn met again on a random bridge that night. Arwen was hoping to "accidentally" push Aragorn into the water to clean some dirt off. Aragorn was hoping to get laid.

"Do you remember when we first met?" Arwen asked. She tried to get closer, but realized dirt was getting on her dress and stepped back.

"I thought I had strayed into a dream," Aragorn replied, tossing his hair in hopes of looking sexy. A load of dirt landed in the lake, scaring away even the pond scum.

Arwen reached into her purse and began spraying Febreze everywhere. "Long years have passed… When was the last time you took a bath? Do you even remember what I told you?"

Aragorn sweatdropped and tried to remember, squeezing his eyes shut. She had told him a lot of things, especially concerning him and bathtubs. Which one? _Which one?_

When he opened his eyes, he felt the Evenstar being pressed into his hand. Well, she was actually using one of those grabby plastic toy claw things.

"You cannot give me this!" Aragorn exclaimed.

"Are you kidding? There's no way I'm touching that thing after it's been in your hands!" The elf ran off to find some hand sanitizer.

**Thus, Boromir has been introduced! What do you guys think of his character? Leave a comment telling me what you think, it helps me out a lot!**

**Also, I'm really far ahead on my writing concerning this story, so if I get 3 reviews I'll post a chapter tomorrow! Chapter 8 is the Council of Elrond... :**


	8. Chapter 8

**Ahhhh 3 reviews and a favorite! I love you guys, thank you so much! C:**

**Chapter 8**

The Council of Elrond had begun. All of the representatives of Middle Earth were seated in a circle, with Elrond in the biggest chair since it was his house. What do you mean it doesn't work like that in real life? GANDALF IS HERE SO SHADDAP.

Elrond stood to greet the Council, nearly tripping because he still had a paper bag over his head.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall."

"or u could just take that dum looking bag off ur head," came a voice from the crowd.

"Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom," Elrond continued. "Bring forth the Ring, Frodo."

Frodo looked up from his laptop. He'd been trying to hack into Rivendell's WiFi.

"stand back giys dis thing is dangerous." Frodo placed the Ring on the stone pillar in the middle of the circle.

"Why do you have a paper bag on your head?" a random elf asked.

Boromir jumped up. "Take the paper bag off, good sir! I would like to analyze your nose!"

Elrond was extremely taken aback. "W-what? I… If you have nothing to say about the Ring, sit down!"

Boromir sat down, disappointed.

Gandalf started reading Twilight Fanfiction out loud. Everyone screamed and covered their ears, rolling around on the floor in agony. One of the dwarves punched himself in the face and passed out in order to make it stop.

"Huh? What's going on?" Aragorn tried to dig some dirt out of his ear.

Finally, Gandalf finished the first chapter.

Elrond was equal parts horrified and angry. "Never before has anyone uttered words of that genre here in Imaldris!"

Gandalf glared at the masked elf. "That's what you get for not throwing any parties."

"But you can't just read… that kind of stuff in Rivendell!"

Gandalf bopped his head some more. "I do not ask your pardon, Lord Elrond. The Ghetto Speech of Mordor may be heard in every corner of the West." He dramatically turned his head and pointed to a random corner. "Even that one!"

Muffled sobbing was heard from the corner. "Why me?" cried a soft voice.

"The Ring is evil," Gandalf continued.

"EEEEVIL!" Mermaid Man yelled from a tree.

Boromir shook his head. "Nay, it is a gift!" He stood up. "A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring?" He paced throughout the circle, stroking his nose thoughtfully. "Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people your lands are kept safe. All noses in Middle Earth have been preserved!" He pointed randomly to the sky. "Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy! Let us use it against him!"

"You cannot wield it," Aragorn spoke. The elves sitting next to him realized his dirt was infecting them and rapidly scooted away. "The One Ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master."

Boromir turned his nose up. "And what would a ranger know of this matter?"

Legolas randomly stood up. "He is no mere Ranger. He is Aragorn son of Arathorn son of Arador son of Argonui son of Arathorn son of Arassuil son of Arahad son of Aravorn-"

"Calm down, elf!" Boromir interjected. "Nice nose, by the way. Seven out of ten."

"Son of Aragost son of Arahad son of Araglas son of Aragorn son of Aravir son of Aranuir son of Arahael son of Aranarth son of Arvedui son of Araphant-"

"What is going on?" Elrond cried.

"Son of Araval son of Arveleg son of Arvegil son of Argeleb son of Araphor son of Arveleg son of Argeleb son of Malvegil son of Celebrindor son of Mallor son of Beleg son of Amlaith-"

"I'M GANDALF!"

"Son of Earendur son of Elendur son of Valandur son of Tarondor son of Tarcil son of Arantar son of Eldacar son of Valandil son of Isildur!"

"dies of boredom," Frodo commented.

"You owe him your allegiance!" Legolas passed out from lack of air.

"Wait, so you're Isildur's heir?" Boromir asked Aragorn.

"Why does everybody say that?" Aragorn complained, touching his face. "I look nothing like his hair!"

"yea cuz i bet he actaully baithed," Frodo interjected.

"Heritage or no heritage, the Ring cannot be used by the forces of good!" Gandalf proclaimed.

"How can someone have no heritage?" Elrond questioned.

"I don't!" Gandalf clapped his hands and started boogying. It was very amusing to watch.

"The Ring must be destroyed!" Elrond proclaimed, trying to bring the attention back to himself.

"Then what are we waiting for?" Gimli cried, hefting his axe and bringing it down on the Ring. The axe promptly exploded in Gimli's face. The Ring was not damaged at all.

"The Ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin."

"Son of Groin son of Farin-" Legolas passed out again, this time from being knocked out.

"The Ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom," Elrond continued. "Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."

"We'll see about that!" Gimli declared, using duct tape to attach a Nokia to the stump of his axe. "A dwarf of Erebor does not give up that easily."

"Boromir! The meme! Quick!" Elrond shouted before Gimli could destroy all of Rivendell.

Boromir quickly formed his fingers into a circle and declared, "One does not simply walk into Mordor." Everyone clapped. Orchestra music played. It was a symbolic event that even Martin Luther King was jealous of.  
"Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep and the great eye is ever watchful. 'Tis a barren wasteland, riddled with fire, ash, and dust. The very air you breathe is poisonous. All of this is unhealthy for the nose. It is folly."

Legolas jumped to his feet. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said? The Ring must be destroyed! It must BURN."

"And I supposed you think you're the one to do it!" Gimli sassed.

"Wait, if Sauron has a nose, then how does he fit it underneath his helmet? Boromir wondered.

"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!" Gimli declared, jumping to his feet. He suddenly realized he was slowly being surrounded by tall, glowering, menacing elves.

"Because that was a smart thing to say in Rivendell," Elrond glared from behind his paper bag.

Everybody stood up and started arguing. Gimli was shouting and performing an obscure method of sassing known as "Penguin Sass". Gandalf was discreetly crowd surfing.

"well i guess a hobbits gotta do what a hobbits gotta do," Frodo said to himself, standing up. "alright biches party's over. imma take da ring to motown or wuteva."

Nobody heard him. The arguing continued.

"GUYS DID YOU LIKE NOT HEAR ME BC IM TALKING TO YOU. PAY ATTENTION!" Frodo screamed.

Everybody looked at him.

"i will take da ring to mordor. i need da wifi anyways. i dont no da way tho."

"I'll help ya, Frodo! I'm sure we'll have lots of good times!" Gandalf declared, standing behind Frodo so the hobbit wouldn't see the sorrow in his eyes.

Aragorn stood up as well, mud cascading from his shoulders. "I will help you as well." He knelt in front of Frodo. "You have my sword."

"And my flamethrowers!" Legolas cackled, shooting a badass flamethrower into the air.

"AND MY AXE!" Gimli cried, spraying Axe body spray into the air, where it combined with Legolas' flames. Did you know that Axe body spray is flammable? Neither did the elves until all their hair burned off. Gandalf was unaffected (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS. YEAH!) Frodo was too short, and Gimli and Legolas managed to duck in time. Aragorn's dirt got a little singed, though.

"I'll go too," Boromir offered, then let out a bloodcurdling scream and pointed at Elrond. His bag had been burned off and his eyebrows were smoking, making him the very image of hell.

Chaos ensued, everybody running around and panicking over the Eyebrows of Doom.

"Oh, come on, they're not that bad!" Elrond tried to reason.

"Yes, they are!" Gandalf argued, snatching the flamethrower away from Legolas before he could completely burn the elven lord.

Sam, Merry, and Pippin ran into the mayhem. "We're coming too!"

Nobody heard them over the sound of alarm bells and panicking cows.

"You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!" Elrond declared.

"IT SPEAKS!" A random elf screamed and threw a violin at Elrond's head, knocking him out cold.

"Where are we like, even going?" Pippin was smoking something that smelled suspiciously of semicircles.

"I'M GANDALF!"

**I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! It was a lot of fun to write. What did you think of Legolas' character? I wanted to try something a little more original than the "prissy elf" persona I see in every parody.**

**Also, since I'm still kinda ahead, I'll post another chapter tomorrow if I get 5 reviews since I got such an amazing response yesterday.**


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm so happy with the response I got for the last two chapters! You guys are the best!**

**Chapter 9**

"Here is my old sword, Sting. Take it." Bilbo handed his sword to Frodo. The two were in Bilbo's bedroom, going through his old stuff. "My therapist told me to get rid of objects that remind me of…" An earthquake rumbled through the room and the lighting dropped two bumfuzzles. "The quest."

"does this have wifi," Frodo drew the sword and studied it.

"Well, it was made by elves, so you can never tell." Bilbo reached into his trunk and threw a pair of sophisticated, swagalicious panties out of the window. High-pitched babbling was heard outside.

"oKAy then merry christmas! can i leave now," Frodo made for the door, but a shiny chain mail shirt was thrown at him.

"Have this! Try it on, it'll really attract the ladies!"

"fineeeeee," Frodo moaned, unbuttoning his shirt a little.

Bilbo saw the Ring and gasped. "My Ring! I really should like to hold it again, one last time."

"uhmm how about nopee," Frodo started to button up his shirt.

Bilbo's face contorted as though he'd just snorted a whole vat of bath salts. He snarled and made a grab for the Ring.

"NOT 2DAY!" Frodo wielded his trusty laptop and smacked his uncle across the face. "srry uncle but i think theres a law against that."

Bilbo began to cry. "I'm so sorry… for everything."

Frodo looked at him for a moment before striding out the door, wondering why everyone became sad around him.

NOT SO SUBTLE TRANSITION TO GET AWAY FROM FEELsS

"The Ringbearer is setting out on a quest to Mount Doom and you who travel with him are not bound by any oath to go further than you will," Elrond was speaking to the Fellowship outside of Rivendell, a fresh paper bag on his head. "Farewell. Hold to your purpose and may the blessings of elves, men, and all free folk go with you. Now, begone, so I can get this god damn paper bag off."

"LEGGO! WE GON' PARTY LIKE IT'S 1999! YEAYUH!" Guess who said that.

Frodo walked through the doorway of Rivendell. "do i go left or right? are we there yet?"

"Go left," Gandalf advised.

Aragorn turned back and took one last look at Arwen. Her eyes were filled with so many unspoken words, like a New York Times article being thrown away because of bad grammar. Then he realized his girlfriend was making goo-goo eyes at Legolas. He swung around and marched out of Rivendell, almost dropping a whole mountain of dirt in the courtyard.

888

They traveled South, parallel to the Misty Mountain range.

"We must hold this course west of the Misty Mountains for forty days. If our luck holds, the Gap of Rohan will still be open to us. And there, our road turns east to Mordor," Gandalf narrated.

Merry stared at the wizard. " How can you talk without moving your mouth?"

Gandalf held up a machine that looked suspiciously like a mini submarine. "Voice over, biatch!"

About a month into their journey, they stopped on a huge pile of boulders to make camp. Sam was eating sausages, or at least trying to since raven crap kept landing on his food. Merry and Pippin were practicing sword fighting with Boromir even though Pippin kept holding his sword by the wrong end and Merry didn't even know what a sword was. Aragorn was trying to smoke his pipe. He was getting very frustrated because the dirt from his face kept extinguishing the pipe.

"Good job, Pippin!" Boromir praised. "Your nose is a bit too thin, though."

"Remember to move your feet," Aragorn advised, lighting his pipe for the fifth time.

"How would you know? Whenever you move _your_ feet, a landslide comes out of your hair!" Merry said.

"AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Pippin fell over laughing, nearly impaled himself on his own sword, and passed out.

"It wasn't even that funny…" Aragorn pouted.

Boromir stared at the hobbit at his feet in surprise. "Does this happen often?"

"If anyone was to ask for my opinion-" Gimli began

"Were," Gandalf corrected.

"What?"

"It's were. If anyone _were_ to ask for your opinion."

Gimli scowled. "When did you suddenly become such a grammar expert?"

Gandalf made a "tch" noise. "College! Where do you think I became such a good party-er?" Gandalf started partying. "YEAH!"

"But seriously, we could pass through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome."

"Ummmmmm…. No. Balin is such a party pooper. Last time I hung out with him, all he did was bitch about how Bofur was an asshole and whatnot."

Meanwhile, Legolas paused from his little project and stared at a dark cloud in the sky. He had been burning various objects, including Boromir's stash of hamburgers and Merry's bright purple running shorts.

Boromir picked up Pippin's pipe. "What's in this anyway?"

Pippin immediately leaped up and kicked Boromir in the balls. "NOT MY WEED!" he screamed, snatching his pipe and running away.

Boromir was bent over double, having been kicked so hard that his nose started to bleed. His face was nearly purple. Ain't nobody gets kicked by a hobbit and walks away an unchanged man.

Ain't nobody.

Sam noticed the dark cloud as well. He stood up, praying to Aule that it wasn't more ravens. "What is that?"

"Crebain! From Dudland!" Legolas cried.

"What?" Aragorn asked.

"Існує сопки голос на повітрі," Legolas replied.

Everyone rushed around camp, putting out the fire and hiding under rocks and bushes. A huge cloud of crows fluttered over their camp, circled around, and flew back the way they came.

Gandalf emerged from his hiding place in an explosion of balloons and disco balls. "They be spies of Saruman! The south pass is being watched. We must take the Pass of Cara…Carod…no, that's not it…"

"It's not that important," Aragorn interjected.

"The Pass of Carumba! Leggo!" Gandalf partied towards a snowy mountain.

888

The Fellowship trekked through the snowy slopes of Carada….Cahdar…Cardio…..…forget it. They were climbing the snowy mountain.

Frodo slipped and tumbled through the snow. "GAH SON OF A BITCH!"

"Frodo!" Aragorn concentrated extra hard, and a nice cushion of dirt appeared for Frodo to land on. By that point, everybody was beginning to think the dirt was a part of his system.

The ringbearer picked himself up and noticed that he was no longer bearing the Ring. Further up the slope, Boromir picked up the Ring.

Everybody stared. The tension in the air was so tangible that Gimli cut off a slice and ate it.

"Uh…Boromir…" Aragorn prompted, the snow around him turning a nice black-brown color with suspicious streaks of purple.

Frodo climbed up to Boromir and snatched the Ring from him. "u wanna talk noses? well urs is so ugly that hello kitty said goodbye 2u. now gtfo."

Boromir burst into tears and ran away.

Merry winced. "Remind me never to piss off Frodo."

**Frodo: yah guys liek dont piss me off! also each review brings me closer 2 gettin da wifi!**

**Sam: And each step I take is the farthest I've been from the Shire.**

**Frodo: stfu**

**Melissa: Be nice! But do indeed stfu, Sam. Anyways, tell me what you think in the comments and what your favorite part was! Byee! ;***


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